I want you to imagine the scene in our house in late 1979.

• I & R married a month or so – all well! life wonderful!
• a good job, research / lecturing at University
• a nice house – a very nice house, if a bit small
• and – wonder! – a wife! Everything in life was good – really good

Until it came to putting out the rubbish, and that was Rosi’s job

• came home from work – bin full to overflowing with mess
• waste-paper baskets filling up
• it was Friday and the dustbin men had come during the day and Rosi hadn’t put out the bins.

“Why aren’t the bin out?”

“I forgot”

“you forgot, eh? Surely you know the bin-man comes on a Friday!”

“well, you could see they needed doing, why didn’t you do it?”

“Why?! because it’s your job. That’s why?!” >>>

<exit, stage left, slam door>

That incident took me utterly by surprise

• my logic (I’m not proud of it): “I’m the husband in this relationship therefore I’m right”

You may laugh at my stupidity (and insensitivity) but some of you have been on the receiving end of that for years and you know the pain that comes with it

being shouted at, being brushed aside, being regarded as a nobody in your own home

Series on Abram – Today’s subject (from ch13) conflict in families

ALL FAMILIES EXPERIENCE CONFLICT

And there are almost no exceptions!

What is different are the ways we react to it and resolve it

outright battle – my surprise in Swansea to see a firey welsh couple ‘discuss’ who was going to do the wiping up!

silent warfare – “If I can’t have my way I’m not going to talk to you”

I want you to spot how the OT conveys it’s message here.

• It puts two people alongside each other, tells us the story, and leaves us to draw our own conclusions about what God is saying through their lives

E.g. Adam and Eve – David and Jonathan, Samson and Delilah, Jacob and Esau, etc.

Here it’s Abram and Lot, and there’s stark contrast between them

• In every respect Lot compares unfavourably with Abram

Abram walked by faith, Lot walked by sight (i.e. He trusted only in his wits and what he could see)

Abram was generous and magnanimous, Lot was greedy and selfish

Abram set his sights on reaching the city God had called him to – Lot made his home in the nearest place where he could make a quid or two

Abram went for the tough option – because that’s what God had called him to, Lot for the easy route (God’s will or not, what’s the point of opting for hardship)

So what were the seeds that caused this particular family conflict?

The seeds of conflict

Seeds are wonderful things, give them the right conditions and they’ll just grow

• So it is with conflict – give it the right conditions and sooner or later it will erupt.

Some questions:

Didn’t God tell Abram to leave his father’s household and set his course for the city he was yet to find?

Yes – Then what is Lot doing there? (Lot was his nephew, part of his father’s household)

Was Lot Abram’s favourite nephew? >>>

=> incomplete obedience

Didn’t Abram have the option of trusting God for his income before he when he went to Egypt?

Why does Genesis talk about Abram going ‘down’ to Egypt (12:10)

Not geographically, but spiritually and morally

>>> e.g. Jonah

Abram took the easy option – maybe that’s where Lot got the idea from?

What were the results of his trip to Egypt?

Wealth – it was resources that sparked the conflict

It exposed Lot to the high life – and ignited a desire for easy riches in this young man’s heart.

Servants – Hagar, who later became a thorn in his side, caused untold trouble!

=> his prosperity became a snare to him

WHY DOES CONFLICT OCCUR?

What does this tell us about why conflict occurs?

a) because of a clash of wills.

Can happen between husband and wife, parents and children – In Abram’s case – uncle and nephew.

our wills clash because they assert their independence

Usually one of two motives:

“What I want and what you want are different & I’m not giving up on my claim”

“What I want and what you want are the same, but we can’t both have it” – that was the issue in Gen 13

Both needed to live in the area together – but couldn’t.

b) simple and compound conflict

Simple: – when there is one isolated issue at stake.

• This kind of conflict can often be resoved by talking it through, so long as the parties don’t rely on their position. (I’m the head of the household, I’m the boss, I’m the clever one)

Compound: – when the issue is only one out of many.

this issue is the one I’m going to argue about, but there are lots of unresolved hurts and feelings that lie behind it

• so this conflict is the last straw that is breaking the camels back

Rob Parsons (Care for Family) was solicitor.

• Tells the story of a man filing for divorce over being asked to make his own dinner!
• Sounds ridiculous, but (as you can probably guess) that was only the last of a catalogue of unresolved conflicts that had finally resulted in the break-up of his marriage.

Here is Gen 13: we have compound conflict – simmering hostility between the herdsmen erupted in violence.

• One small conflict building on another and on another – they have a cumulative effect in our souls.

Look at the back story. This is set against the back-drop of

• Abram’s disobedience – not leaving all of his father household i.e. Lot
• Abram’s dishonesty – went down to Egypt and lied about his wife

I’m going to say something that may surprise you. I want to share something about the

TRAGEDY OF A ROW-FREE MARRIAGE

Have you ever seen a marriage where there is no argument? all conflict blissfully resolved?

• never a cross word between husband and wife, parents and children? It’s theoretically possible but (honestly) I don’t think I’ve ever seen one!

We have seen couples who have never rowed – and I believe them!

• not because I’ve been a fly on the wall but because of the way they behave / relate to each other in public

Husband: “We’re going to do this today aren’t we”

Wife “Oh, yes dear”

At home – she can’t open a jar of jam

he says (condescendingly) “Oh, come here I’ll do it”

What’s message? “You’re a wimp, weak, weedy”

she ends up crushed in spirit

wearing a smile on the outside in order to keep up appearances, but crushed and bruised in spirit on the inside.

They’ve never rowed – but conflict has never been resolved.

Consequences?

he doesn’t respect her

• In spite of her Christian experience, she finds feelings of hatred welling up inside

the result?

a wife living in two worlds

• the public world – happy, big smile
• the personal world – she dare not even admit to it – even to herself
• bitterness and hatred towards her husband

(Doesn’t have to be that way round – may be the wife who wears the trousers)

Peacing together

Some principles:

a) distinguish the anger from the issue

If I don’t resolve it, I’ll go to bed at night

a ‘miracle’ will take place overnight!

I’ll forget what I was angry about

I’ll still wake up in the morning angry

Deal with the anger Then decide when you will resolve the issue

b) be real about the conflict

Its origins >>>

In Abram’s case the failure to obey God’s instructions

events

c) listen non-defensively >>>

feelings

hard for men – especially self-made men

Actually there’s a crisis inside –

“I’m successful – go through life on my wits

now there’s something I can’t handle

outside me

inside me – my emotions

I’m not the master of my emotions in the way I thought I was

there are forces at work in me that I don’t understand and can’t control

e.g. listening exercise >>>

The hardest 4-letter word to say “help!”

c) seek help

power from above >>>

help from other Christian friends

Abram PRINCIPLES of bringing peace

he took action v8 – Abram started the peace-making.

• unless someone is brave enough to do this, the conflict would just rumble on.

8 So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarrelling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers.

He was very clear about what the real problem was. Not the lack of land (that’s obvious) but the quarrelling between them and their men. Had the herdsmen come to an agreement, the whole argument could have been avoided. Unless this behaviour ceased, the family could be permanently torn apart.

I’m impressed with Abram at this point. He takes a huge relational risk, and he becomes the person who names the elephant in the room.

“Lot, it’s you and me who are at warâ€� Yes, our herdsmen are at loggerheads too, but we can’t blame them, they’re taking their lead from us!â€� “they know we can’t stand the sight of each other and they’re just following suitâ€�

He was also very clear about the direction he wanted things to go “let’s not have any of thisâ€�

He refused to borrow strength from his position

• To borrow strength from his position means to use his superiority as an argument to attempt to win the conflict and make the other person the loser.
• When we borrow strength from our positions we hear words like: “I’m the senior partner in this companyâ€�, “I’m the expert in this areaâ€�, “I am your father!!â€�

Abram said “we are brothersâ€� – they’re not (Uncle and nephew)

• Abram was talking about himself as if he was on a equal footing with Lot in order to create some common ground. Get into a more equal discussion

He didn’t insist on his rights v9

In ANE society the uncle, being the senior member of the family, would have the priority in major decisions such as this.

9 Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”

Abram put himself at a disadvantage for the sake of his family. He could have chosen any route he pleased! But he gave that option to Lot

10. Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, towards Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.)

I do love the way the OT tells its stories, and how wise the Spirit of God was in just giving us the narrative without lots of explanation.

• Because of this we can apply it to us today

Consequence?

God blessed and prospered Abram v14

And we are intended to notice this.

Lot has chosen one particular area of the land

• a fertile plain which, on the surface looks much more prosperous that the rough scrub Abraham’s been left with
• Listen to the Lord’s language

Now Abram is doing what God asked him to do originally, leaving behind his really has left his Father’s household behind …

14. The LORD said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, “Abram, Lift up your eyes from where you are and look – north, south, east and west.

15 All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring for ever.

Another unconditional promise!

16 I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone [is daft enough to think they can] count the dust, then your offspring could be counted.

17 Now Abram, Go! Walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you.”

Lot took, out of selfishness. God gave, out of generosity.

• Our God is in debt to no-one

Genesis 13

Recap